Nighttime Personalities Lampoon Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Immigration Program

TV's prominent hosts spent the airtime mocking ex-President Donald Trump's just launched immigration program, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a obvious pay-to-play system for the wealthy.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Analysis

Kicking off his show, Stephen Colbert delivered a sardonic Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He's compiling a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he sang. "Trump ... ruins all he handles."

The subject was the controversial program which enables international individuals to purchase U.S. residence for an investment of $1 million dollars, with a "premium" version for 5 million. The program's page promises processing "faster than ever."

"One message here to affluent immigrants: before you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He noted that the program is also intended to "squeeze cash" from businesses wanting to hire foreign workers, involving significant costs. "That is a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a property of your selection – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.

"The most thorough background check the government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these people completely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "Get Into America Express Card."

"Here's a card that will permit affluent international individuals to live here," he said. "For a million bucks, you get legal resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your selection."

"Perhaps it's time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the form, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Indeed, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining approval numbers during economic concerns. "People gave Donald Trump a second term since they were angry about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a effort to tackle cost of living, Trump held a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, and reacted strangely to boxes of cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"Trump is so incredibly weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by mocking right-leaning media defenses of Trump's economic record. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy like the one FIFA did," he remarked.